exposure

[00:00:07] This is Media Labs. [00:00:47] Here I am. I know it took a minute, but I am back and I am ready to give insight and explanation. And I'm going to tell you this story about what has happened and why I went dark and quiet. Part of it is I needed a mental break. [00:01:06] Because the story of the erosion of the I40 corridor, it broke me. I felt like it was my erosion as well. But now I want to talk about something else. [00:01:19] So I think that when we think about, like, our own mental health, our own mindset, our own feelings, how do we persuade ourselves to keep going? What do we shut down? What do we put away when we compartmentalize? [00:01:40] And where do we put it? And how deep do we bury it? I think it's a gift to be able to do that, at least for myself. It is. [00:01:49] Because I've buried a lot of things. [00:01:51] I've put a lot of things away. [00:01:55] And then sometimes when things get piled onto you and you open up other things, it all just feels like it comes crashing down all the way around you. And it can be devastating. [00:02:07] And it's heavy and thick, because then we put it all together and it's just like this giant clump of shit. Let's be honest. I've been dealing with a lot. [00:02:18] I've been trying to understand and comprehend a lot. I recently got into a discussion and I had to open up about some things that I feel like I probably shouldn't have. [00:02:31] I should have left them where I had them, in that particular compartment. Because now those things are on top of this story that I need to share. [00:02:41] And it's a long one. It will be several episodes, and I want to get into it, but I felt like I wanted to put this out first. [00:02:51] It is so important that we understand our dissatisfaction with memories that we don't really want to pursue. [00:03:02] And filtering and then objectively eliminating them by identifying them and then burying them for good. [00:03:13] We think sometimes we want to bring things up, but do we really? [00:03:18] And is it a good idea? [00:03:22] Divorce can hurt you. Separation can hurt you. [00:03:27] The physical pains can hurt you and affect you. [00:03:37] And the past can hurt you. [00:03:40] And while you can build a future, that's true. And you can change things and alter things, you cannot change the things that secretly pain you the most. [00:03:55] God, it's fascinating. [00:03:59] We do such a good job of putting things away. [00:04:03] And when we think we're in a healthy place to begin to deal with them, we realize we're not. We're still kind of angry. [00:04:12] We are. We're still kind of Angry and we're still dissatisfied maybe with ourselves, that we haven't addressed them. [00:04:24] And how are we able to do that and still cope with life? [00:04:29] You come home, you close the door, you take a big breath, you go in the house. [00:04:37] Because excited pets don't understand, excited kids don't understand. [00:04:48] We just find ways. And sometimes it's just too stimulating. And I don't necessarily mean in a good way. [00:05:01] It's. [00:05:04] It should be at least a proud moment when we do find the courage to face things and challenge them head on that have hurt us or that plague us. [00:05:19] And I'm not referring to all the made up things that people think of in today's description of hurt. [00:05:31] I'm talking about real things. [00:05:37] Damages. [00:05:39] That's the word. [00:05:45] We confine ourselves to them. I think we adjust our life accordingly and we put them away and do we really want to share them with people? We just don't know. [00:05:59] Sometimes we think we do, but right when we can, or it's a perfect time, we immediately put it back away because we just don't know. One, because of our own reaction to opening our mouth and saying what we're feeling. And two, God, can you really trust the other person that you're about to expose this to? [00:06:24] It is a dangerous proposition. [00:06:29] Trust is a big word mostly because we've lost the definition of it, I think, to a certain point. [00:06:42] Can we really be as expressive as we want to be? And sometimes we can't. [00:06:49] I myself have experienced that lately. [00:06:53] On top of everything else in my path, I opened up a door and I just keep thinking, what were you thinking? Are you stupid? Have you lost your absolute mind? [00:07:12] The answer is, I don't know. [00:07:16] We talk about a lot here and you know, I know we started out focusing on maybe one topic or what have you, but the truth is here we wanted to do in depth stories and political policy and talking about social issues and those are good things. [00:07:41] But there's so much more that I want to give. [00:07:45] There's so much more in opportunity that I'm looking forward to in the future doing. [00:07:52] I don't want to say anything yet, but it's pretty exciting and I'm. I'm excited for that future, which will be very soon, like by the end of the year. [00:08:03] So a whole new year, whole new show. [00:08:08] I hope you guys are still with me and you stay along because I think you'll like the move. [00:08:14] It will be far more expressive than we are here. [00:08:19] It's gonna be something I haven't been active on TikTok at all, because sometimes you just need to shut down. [00:08:33] My reasoning for shutting down, however, is because of the actions taken by individuals behind the story of the erosion of the I40 corridor. [00:08:46] And I want to get to that, and I want to begin to address and identify how that story went, where it is, and then how I'm going to share it with everyone. [00:09:10] You sometimes think you do it in a very elementary way. It all started in a land far, far away, many moons ago. [00:09:20] That's kind of how I feel like right now, a little bit about it. Because it started in February and just wanted to do a story about survivors of a flood. [00:09:32] And then I went down a rabbit hole and it becomes so much more so on top of my own life and its situations and filtering and then exposing things, I've had this to deal with. It hasn't exactly been easy. [00:09:53] So a mental break was necessary even now. But I just thought, I have to get some of this out. I have to expose it because it's truth. And that's what we do here. [00:10:07] We look at truth and we address it. [00:10:12] And that's what I'm trying to do. [00:10:15] I have to say I have absolutely missed everyone. I really have. [00:10:21] I see when you guys watch and where you're from, and I can't tell you what it means. I appreciate it so much, but there's so much more to add that I need to add. [00:10:39] And I am getting to the point now where now I'm ready. I've just had to deal with some things and I'll have to continue to deal with them, but I also still have to do my job. [00:10:52] And that means more focus, which takes lots of energy, which I keep telling myself I just don't have any more to give, but I need to find it. [00:11:05] And I wasn't really in the environment, in the headspace today to record, but I thought no, because I think this will help, oddly. But I think it'll help if I do sit down and record, if I do expose it to a microphone and everyone out there, because maybe it'll help. [00:11:30] There does come a time when we have to deal with our own shit. [00:11:33] And there comes a time when we cannot let it exhaust us to the extreme. [00:11:39] Where we want to feel isolated in a dark room, keep the curtains drawn and just hide. [00:11:50] Because that's how I've been feeling. [00:11:54] That's not because of nostalgia either, I can tell you, but that's what I've come to realize, that I just cannot keep hiding. [00:12:05] This is part of why I do this. Job because I hope that these words help others. [00:12:17] It's counterproductive, really. You know, I share, and you guys let me know how you feel or what you think. And maybe it helps somebody else. You know, someone that perhaps makes music says it's the same thing. [00:12:31] Some of them, I truly believe they mean it when they say, I hope my music helps people. [00:12:36] Because some of those people, their music actually does help me when I listen to it. [00:12:43] There's a lot of things that are within our grasp to help us focus and remain determined. [00:12:53] And you don't need a pill for everything. You don't need a multiple bottles of wine. [00:13:00] You don't need a box of wine. [00:13:03] You just have to look at it. As painful and exhausting as it can be, you have to look at it and you have to decide, I cannot be beaten, even though I feel so exhausted. [00:13:21] It feels similarly when we feel prisoner. Like if we have depression or anxiety, you can feel a prisoner to it, and it sometimes locks you up. That's kind of what I'm talking about. [00:13:35] Where we want to stay hidden and irrelevant and withdraw from society and things like that. [00:13:46] I think that's even more dangerous. [00:13:48] So we have to find the effort to be able to search ourselves, even if it's just a little bit at a time, enough to where you know you're making a difference. [00:14:00] And if you have little ones at home that they don't see it because they might mistake it for they've done something wrong. [00:14:12] We have to be careful with our words, even to ourselves, when we're going through these kinds of things. [00:14:20] Adapt and overcome, you know, those kind of words. [00:14:27] I desperately realize that I need to come out of mine, and I'm working on it because everything is a work in progress. [00:14:38] And please don't mistake that for all that leftist nonsense. When they say it, you're not a work in progress. You're lazy and you have drunken the Kool Aid. So please don't compare to real life issues. [00:14:53] I want to get more active again on TikTok and wrap myself back up inside of Media Labs and doing my job. [00:15:05] I got some interviews coming that I'm lining up, so it'd be a whole new experience because it's new people and sitting down and telling and hearing their stories and listening to them. So I'm excited for that. [00:15:22] But I gotta work on myself too. [00:15:26] We all do, and we have to find a way to do that, whether we like it or not. [00:15:35] As edgy as it can make you feel, because you don't need a Pill for everything. And you don't need a box of liquor for everything. You don't need a 40 in your hand because otherwise that's where you'll end up. [00:15:50] And the look that I see in the mirror if that would happen, I don't like, and I hope to God no one else likes that idea either for themselves. [00:16:04] If you look at what you could be, what you could look like if you don't remain determined, it is an ugly scene. [00:16:16] And then I feel like it's in point of no return because these very feelings, these very ideas, these moments where we don't filter and stay connected to ourselves and then we get out there and we fail because we decided to stop trying. [00:16:39] It's half of why most people are on the streets, or alcoholics or drug addicts, gambling addicts, you get my meaning? [00:16:51] They quit. [00:16:54] They just quit. And some people can function and quit, but most people can't. And it is a disastrous proposition to want to try to imagine falling off the cliff. [00:17:10] I don't want to fall and I don't want to get close to the edge. [00:17:16] No one should. [00:17:18] But I've taken a look at myself if I do fall off that cliff or get close to the edge, because I know too many people depend on me. [00:17:28] But it also is a slippery slope and you've got to catch yourself right when you recognize that you're just falling a little bit too far, that's comfortable for you and you got to pick it up because no one else is going to pick your ass up because then it's too late. [00:17:43] You're simply not going to be interested in someone helping you. [00:17:48] It's a whole thing, you know, self reliance, your own physical responsibility over your actions and what you're determined to not allow to happen. [00:18:01] That's what we have to be. [00:18:03] That's what you have to pay attention to because the edge of that cliff is slick. [00:18:10] And in terms of falling, that kind of mother nature, she don't fuck around. [00:18:16] Once she grabs you, that's it. [00:18:19] And I'll see you on skid row or worse, we'll never see you at all. [00:18:26] And that's how I have to look at myself. [00:18:30] So I had to heal, take a break, back away, let things filter. [00:18:39] And that's what I did. [00:18:43] And I've gotten better. [00:18:45] But then I opened something up, like I said, that made me really uncomfortable. So now I gotta filter that out, out of my head, out of my soul, put it back away and close it until it's time to address it again. [00:19:00] Nobody can Be your mother but yourself. [00:19:03] Nobody can pick you up but yourself. [00:19:05] If you don't put in the effort. Those chances where someone wanted to pick you up and you didn't take it, it'll be your own fault and your own demise. [00:19:15] That's what I've learned. [00:19:17] I don't want to fall that hard because I've seen the other side and it's not pretty. And I'm not interested in turning to waste and irrelevance. [00:19:26] We always have to remember we can be so much bigger than we are because we know we can be. The most important words I've told myself in the past few weeks. [00:19:36] And I'm trying really hard, and I want other people to try really hard. Even if you feel like you can't. It's what makes us human and whole and real is to experience all those things inside that kaleidoscope. What? What are they? [00:19:53] Where are they? [00:19:55] I don't want them there. I don't want to look at them. But there comes a time when we just have to face them and the inevitable end that can be our true heart and selves if we don't. I'm determined to be the very best of myself that I can be. I have slipped a little, but I've caught myself to know I can't slip any farther because I don't want to. [00:20:18] I don't have a need to give up yet. [00:20:21] Nobody should. Just when you think you want to give up and you do, that's right, when good things were coming, you just didn't count the small things. [00:20:31] And that's what I have forgotten to do. [00:20:34] But now I am counting again. [00:20:37] One number at a time. [00:20:39] True. But I'm counting again. And I can do it. [00:20:43] Anybody can do it. [00:20:45] And this message is for anybody that feels like that or gets like that or needs this message. You have no idea how much life can shit on you, but it can. [00:20:55] And it can be ugly. So I ask everybody just to challenge themselves, like I am now. [00:21:02] Do not fall. [00:21:04] There's so much more to offer. [00:21:06] Out of you, out of your mind, out of your heart, out of. [00:21:11] This is something I've had to capture myself. [00:21:14] So don't quit now. I'm Chronicles and this is Media Labs.